Shifts Happen!

For the previous 4 months I have been preparing to play 'Rooster' in the musical 'Annie'.

From the outset this production has been like walking uphill backwards wearing a blindfold. Back in January the original director had to step aside due to health complications, leaving the dance choreographer to take on the role of dance choreographer and director. As a result rehearsals have been slow and direction has been minimal. I became so upset that I made the decision to go underground with my preparations.
Slowly but surely 'The Rooster' started to emerge like a crooked butterfly from a crysallis; the wannabe gangster with his slicked back hair, pencil moustache and pin striped suit holding a cigar in his hand. On the one hand supremely confident and on the other a desperately insecure misfit.

As the first show approached I quietly poised myself on the start blocks.

Suddenly, like a bolt out of the blue last Monday during rehearsals, I started to get a sore throat which  gradually progressed into a full blown cold. Then the following day, my back went into spasm and I found myself rooted to the spot, grimacing in pain, crying out for help.

Given that I was down on my knees unable to move, I decided to ask myself the following question:


What is this for?


Tatty, twisted images of  the wounded boy started to bubble to the surface; a misfit; a no good failure!

STOP!

I am not a failure!

Julias Truly Alive blog came to mind.

What if  I stopped thinking there is a right or wrong way.


' Rise, put hat on, jam it on the head, fling it to the ground, pick it up, tear it to pieces, pause briefly ...


What if I don't have to be perfect on show night.


... strike fist hard on furniture, stamp the foot, wheel around ...'


What if simply said YES to what wants to be expressed through me?

I made a decision to drop the bullshit/pleasing/trying to be good and  take care of little Nige; resting , meditating, letting go of the jagged edges, softening into the pain. eating simple healthy food and drinking lots of water. Ell massaged my back with essential oils everyday and constantly reassured me that everything was going to be okay. Meanwhile, Rooster reluctantly looked on. Maybe, if I could bring acceptance to this part of myself  there was just enough time left to help Rooster  realise that he is loved and accepted too.

I returned to band rehearsal feeling weary,aching from head to toe, unable to sing, and during the break I sat  with Ell and and sobbed. This was the turning point which enabled me to bring compassion to the hurting boy trapped inside a mans body. In a single moment I  forgave myself and returned to tech rehearsal holding little Nige's hand reassuring him that I would stand by him no matter what happened. 

From that  moment forward 'The Rooster' has gone from strength to strength. I am learning that trying to be perfect in an imperfect world is like trying to be a potato when you're really a carrot. So, rather than focusing on trying to be perfect I have focused on perfect expression and funnily enough the moment I dropped the bullshit my heart leapt for joy. 

Last night the show opened and 'The Rooster' took to the stage - a little bit mis-shapen and rough at the edges but still 'The Rooster' and guess what; he shone brighter than the top of the Chrysler Building. Thanks Julia for gently reminding me that it's okay to be human.