For some strange reason Mum had a zero tolerance approach to illness and vulnerability. She was doing her best, but I spent huge chunks of my childhood thinking that I would be punished if I disclosed my emotional reality. I have a tendency to attack myself when it comes to the state of my health. The ego tells me its not okay for me to be seen when Im feeling unwell, or that its not okay for me to share how I am really feeling as a result of the illness. So I end up feeling sad and alone.
Today I intend to walk a different path - one of acceptance and compassion.
I have already taken the first step to healing this mistaken belief by busting my ego and revealing that I have been feeling unwell. I was under the impression that you would all run away in terror but the response was quite the opposite because you all took a step towards me and the feedback from Julia and Brooke was really helpful.
It never ceases to amaze me that we are led to believe that if we disclose certain things about ourselves - dark cornerstones of our mind - then people would recoil in terror and would run away. But when we do find the courage to speak up and tell our secrets, then Spirit rushes in to meet us there and there is only Love.
Brooke and Julia made the time to write loving responses to my disclosure and helped remind me that it is perfectly acceptable to be a human being, regardless of what society teaches me about what being a so-called man is all about. You, Brooke and Julia, reminded me that my vulnerability is my strength.
' Do not hide suffering from His sight, but bring it gladly to Him. Lay before His eternal sanity all your hurt, and let Him heal you. Do not leave any spot of pain hidden from His Light, and search your mind carefully for any thoughts you may fear to uncover. For he will heal every little thought you have kept to hurt you and cleanse it of its littlenss, restoring it to the magnitude of God. ' - A Course In Miracles
Breaking this pattern involves befriending fear and treating myself with kindness. I've lived with this fear based pattern for as long as I can remember, and it has served a purpose. Disclosing my confession yesterday was a step in the right direction for me, and I want to keep moving forward because I want to take a step closer to God. I'm really aware that this is nothing to do with my physical health but everything to do with the quality of the thoughts I'm thinking. By starting to disclose my stuff around this, it'll put me in a better position to change my mind. Hopefully then I can experience better health.
So, this morning I rang in sick at work and intend to spend the day resting and recharging. Today is a beautiful day for practising gentleness and acceptance.
The journey continues...
Dear Nige, I have so much love in my heart for you right now--I hope you can feel it. I so admire your courage. You are an incredibly strong man to "confess" your fears...I see only strength in you, my friend, and love.
ReplyDeleteI had to send this quote your way, it's one of my very favorites...
"Nothing heals us like letting people know our scariest parts: When people listen to you cry and lament, and look at you with love, it's like they are holding the baby of you." Anne Lamott
and this one:
"I am going there. to the beauty, and to the terror. around the seriousness. to the embodiment. to the tar pits of discomfort. and to the insanity that laughs. i am observing and i am finding that there is delicacy there. quiet strength and a strong hand (my own) reaching for me between the waves." Rainer Maria Rilke
I'm so glad you are taking care of yourself and took today off. Nurture the heck out of your sweet self.
Let's keep holding the baby of each other...it feels so good and is so so healing.
I love you, dear friend.
So beautiful, Nige. I am so teary reading this.
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that you 'confessing' as you did, has helped me to feel less alone--not that I want to feel solidarity in my struggle, nor have you join my pain, but rather, in you telling the truth, I feel that I can look at myself differently, with more compassion and less fear. You remind me of who I am--of my beauty that is constant, as you reflect this through your journey, whether I am feeling in the driver's seat or abandoned by the side of the road. This is a huge gift--and all it took was you allowing in vulnerability. There is something big in this, dear one.
You are a remarkable human being, and your extending love here, has helped me feel a big release and an opening. Isn't it amazing how something wants us to truly lift the veil and accept in the love, but that it isn't something that we can even begin to do on our own?
Sending love and gratitude to you and sweet Elloa.
XOXO
Acceptance... Compassion... Treating your(beautiful)self with kindness... how are you today, dearest Nige? xxx
ReplyDelete